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 Jumping forward to today, shortly after we separated, my wife entered into a relationship with a man from work. She and I remain close friends and confidants, so I am intimately aware of the issues in her relationship, all of which stem from her insecurity, her new boyfriend cheating on her early in their relationship (which he justified by saying she was “still married”), and his continued flirtatious texts with multiple women. When things are good, they are great together. However, when things are bad, he shuts down completely and she feels like she wants to leave.

I’ve forgiven my wife for leaving, because I know that she was unhappy with our marriage for the last several years and I truly want her to be happy, even if I’m not a part of that happiness. I still love her in some sense, though I have accepted that we are no longer together. I have been feeling lonely lately and want to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman I recently met through work, but I also want to give my wife the opportunity to return to our marriage if she chooses to do so. She has told me outright on multiple occasions that she wants to leave her boyfriend and while she would want to come back home, she doesn’t feel it would be fair to me. I’ve told her that she shouldn’t worry about fairness as I have forgiven her, and she should focus on what is best for our children and her happiness in the long term. I’ve told her that I would be thrilled if she wanted to come back, but I didn’t want to pressure her into making any decisions.

So now I have a conundrum: Do I pursue this new relationship opportunity in earnest? Do I wait around to see if my wife will ever actually leave her boyfriend? Is it ethical to pursue a relationship when I know I would take my wife back if she wanted it? I’m struggling to know when it’s the right time to move on, but I don’t want to be sitting in limbo forever for a reconciliation that may never happen.

A: There really does come a time where one has to fish or cut bait. You cannot simultaneously pursue an honest, straightforward relationship with someone else and signal to your wife that you’re happy to take her back if she ever gets sick of her new boyfriend. Based on the relationship you’ve described here, I think your best bet is to reframe your relationship with your ex-wife, resign from being the “confidant” she complains about her boyfriend to, shift to a calmer, less-fraught kind of friendship, and look for romance elsewhere.

 

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