You are Not Just A Horse You are My Sanity Happiness Teacher Therapist Poster

 

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 Like most of us during these *somber narrator in a Doritos commercial voice* unprecedented times, I’ve immersed myself in a slew of unorthodox hobbies to help maintain a sliver of sanity, which have included actively choosing to purchase Criss “Mindfreak” Angel’s Professional Magic Kit, a lock pick set, and auditing a Yale class designed to increase happiness.

These purchases, which could easily be labeled as a “midlife crisis starter pack,” elicited concerned text messages from friends and family ranging from “Everything okay, bud?” to “You’re like a week away from getting really into Ouija boards.” I still maintain that, separately, these transactions were normal, but collectively exuded a real “loud guy at the car wash who knows what really happened to Princess Diana” vibe. I bring this up not to subtly point out that I’m basically an Ivy League graduate, but to illustrate that I was in dire need of a challenge. A calling. A destiny.

Enter Mark Wahlberg and his famed workout schedule.

Mark Wahlberg, the two-time Academy Award nominated actor known for his work in Boogie Nights, The Departed, and portraying the character who fingered Nicole Walker on a roller coaster while accompanied by The Sundays’ soul-stirring rendition of “Wild Horses” in the 1996 psychological thriller Fear, maintains a rigid schedule in order to keep a sound mind and rockin’ body.

This isn’t necessarily new information. If you’re a fitness enthusiast or someone who routinely wonders which peanut is the best peanut, you’re familiar with Men’s Health, a popular monthly magazine that features shirtless men on the cover along with short, inspirational commands like “Get Back In Shape!,” “Lose Your Gut!,” or “Maintain Your Erection, Ya Silly Goose!” Back in 2018, the “if Monster Energy were a magazine” periodical published a story about Mark Wahlberg’s insane workout schedule, which famously begins at 2:30 a.M. As he prepares for his 4:00 a.M. Workout (referred to online as the “4 a.M. Club”)

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